Insecurity kills Me

Forgive me... i tend to write in my blog when i'm super happy or when i'm depressed.
So, now? What am i feeling?
I don't feel right.
Anyway, what i want to express now is my feeling of insecurity. I am among the people that never feel secure. Not physically but in other terms such as emotionally and financially. I may look very confident outside, very tough but actually i am weak inside. I have a mechanism that everytime i feel i may break down, i will tell myself that i am not weak. I'm a survivor. Yes, all this time, i am impressed by myself that i am able to survive through the difficulties of my life. My life looks like a normal life but i've been through so many obstacles.. and i survived. I've been through the pain of losing people that i love unexpectedly, the pain of not having a penny in my pocket and bank accounts, the pain of knowing i have to give what i had to others, the pain of seeing people that i love disapponint me, the pain of knowing the blur future but can't do anything to change and the most painful is the pain of waiting, waiting for the greatest moment, waiting when will my life change. But till now, yes, i successfully deceived people.
My source of strength is Christ.
'He keeps me functioning each and everyday. Without Him, I will be nothing. But, with Christ, He strength me.' Phil. 4:13

My little prayer....Dear Lord, be good to me. The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small...

p/s: i still feel the terror in me everytime i receive unexpected calls from my family members

UGLY by Bon Jovi

If you're ugly,
I'm ugly too
In your eyes the sky's a different blue
If you could see yourself like others do
You'd wish you were as beautiful as you
And I wish I was a camera sometimes
So, I could take your picture with my mind
Put it in a frame for you to see
How beautiful you really are to me

Ugly, Ugly
All of us just feel like that some daysAin't no rainbow in the sky
When you feel U.G.L.Y.
And that's ugly,
yeah, yeah, yeah

Ugly, Ugly
All of us just feel like that some days
Ain't no rainbow in the sky
When you feel U.G.L.Y.
And that's ugly, ugly
All of us just feel like that some days
Ain't no cure that you can buy
When you feel U.G.L.Y.
And that's ugly

So, if you're ugly,
I'm ugly too
If you're a nut, then I must be a screw
If you could see yourself the way I do
You'd wish you were as beautiful as you
I wish I was as beautiful as you

Teman

Setiap hari aku berfikir tentang makna hidup aku...
bagaimana aku telah berubah dari dulu sehingga sekarang...
banyak perkara yang berlaku dalam hidup aku yang tidak dapat aku kawal...
kadang-kadang aku berfikir, betul kah itu aku...
siapa yang harus aku salahkan?
aku memerlukan sistem sokongan...
dan kini aku ada seorang teman yang memang sangat-sangat aku sayangi kerana tanpa dirinya, aku rasa sudah lama aku mengalami emotional breakdown..
aku tidak kuat, namun aku tidak begitu lemah..
tapi tidak mustahil jika aku satu hari aku tidak kenal akan diri aku lagi...
teman, tolong jangan tinggalkan aku kerana jika kau pergi, aku hancur...
aku perlukan mu disisi ku selalu...
aku perlukan pelukan dari mu...
aku perlukan dirimu...

what life is to me..

I guess my life is mysterious.. so many things happened in the past that i just want to let go, but still those memories that i always keep hiding in my complicated mind appear in my dreams. I always dream of those things that i try to keep myself apart.. Seems like those things are significant to me. For example, why the hack should i dream about the doctors in RMC when they are not significantly related to me.. i even dream that they are wondering where am i and trying to chase me and question me why i left RMC.. hahaha... i never even speak personally with them.. maybe the meaning of the dream is i want to feel wanted in RMC..feel important and i feel good about myself when i was working there..
and i always dream of my mum.. in my dreams, she is always alive...

Demi Sebuah Perubahan Sebenar

Hahaha..cam best jak title nya..tp just mok madah, demi sik mok rasa sedih n depress agik, aku dgn rajinnya menukar template n memodify apa yg patut ngan harapan aku rasa 'baru'... aku mok jadi baru.. sedar sik sedar, rasanya tok la hasil pembacaan buku motivasi nak dipinjam aku ari ya...tp lom abis agik la aku baca..hehehe.. dolok2 aku sik caya kesan buku2 motivasi tok sbb bg aku motivasi tok datang ari dalaman diri empun. Mun sendiri sik mok berubah, gne2 pun sik kan berubah juak.. menar sik? tp aku tek kali dalaman aku ada juak berubah, pas ya ditambah ngn ayat2 power dlm buku motivasi ya, hasilnya aku menar2 mok berubah. Sik mok rasa sedih agik, sik mok nangis agi... (sbnrnya ari ya, dear ada merik msg madah 'iboh slalu nangis'... bla ada org madah cam ya ngn aku, cam automatik jak ikut kata org ya..menar.. mudah terpengaruh juak aku tok sebenarnya..kali sbb ya kata2 motivasi pun berkesan ngn aku...)

till then...

p/s: be positive my friends... if rasa tensen, jom aa g karaoke... hihihi...

preee time

i had too much of free time (really ah?!!!) until i don't know what to do...

















if only u know what i did..then you'll know how deadly bored i am...

aKu

aku,
aku masih di sini, begini
aku masih mengharap,
pada suatu yang aku masih ragu-ragu, masih tidak pasti
aku juga masih tertanya-tanya kenapa mengharap suatu yang tiada jaminan,
nanti aku kecewa, aku menangis
tapi biarlah begitu,
kerana biarlah aku menanti, mengelamun,
daripada terbangun daripada mimpi indah ku ini.

I Want to Feel Good

C'mon my friends, praise me, say something good about me.. i want to feel good.. i want to feel confident. Today, i feel better, i think, compared to..uhhhuu..i don't know..a few days ago, maybe. But still my self esteem is not as high as what i want it to be. i need to feel alive, feel the positive energy around me...
Anyway, just now i was on my way jogging but it rained heavily that i have to cancelled my plan. Jogging is a way for me to relieve the negative feelings in me and to make me feel good. Usually during jogging i would think my problems, and when it comes to the frustrated part, i would run as fast as i could, as if to run away from the problems (i wish i could)... then i would feel much better..
Or another way to make me feel contented is by indulging in chocolate. Well, everyone knows how choco acts as mood booster.. but, i don't want to eat choco now due to my weighty issue.. huhu.. if i get one choco, trust me, i won't stop until it finishes, no matter what is the size of the choco.. in fact, any food would for me, esp crunchy food.. oh, it's hard to be me..

Sirna Sudah

Bila cintamu tlah pudar
Aku tak dapat bertahan
Sejuta harapan sirna,
sirna sudah...
Kutak bisa `tuk memaksa
dapat pertahankan cinta
Jika memanglah sudah,
hilang semua...

Sperti bintang di angkasa
jatuh tak dapat bertahan
Hancur dan teruslah musnah,
selamanya...
Mungkin inilah saatnya
hilang 1 yang terindah
Melelahkan bila,
kuharus bertahan...

reff:
Ku melepaskan yang tak kurelakan
Cintamu yang hilang dapat aku rasakan
Inikah jawaban semua perjalanan?
Berakhir menyakitkan,
sanggupkah ku padamkan...

Dapat ku mengertikan semuanya...
Dan kuserahkan waktunya
yang tak mungkin mudah lepaskan
kenanganku denganmu...

Miss Home so Much

What can i say? i just miss home so much... so much that u can't imagine. I long to see the familiar faces of people that i love, people that i can hold, hug and say how much i love them... huhuhu.. this feeling is killing me slowly..i am afraid of the effects it would bring..esp when my exams are getting near. I am struggling to focus on my study and keep myself busy so that i would not think much about home.. Dear, miss you so much..no words can explain.. i miss your winning smile, your words that always keep me alive and motivated, your shoulders that i can cry on, your hands that i can hold when i fell down... what can i do? counting days and seconds when will can i see you..

Again

Again..the days seem gloomy to me.. i could sense something was not right in my heart. I learned before the signs of depression, am i one of the depressed? The fact that i actually admit that i'm depressed makes me feel relieved. At least i know my problem. And knowing me, i will not let problem surpasses me. I will find solutions to make my life brighter. I will try to laugh a lot and if you see me doing something insane, don't try to stop me because it is my way to enjoy life n have fun. Uhhh...how I miss myself before.. a lively girl.. now, i am different, in and out..

chow

In the name of L-O-V-E

Valentine's day is near.. But i don't think that day has any special meaning for me. Not anymore.. When i was a teenage girl with shallow mind - it was a day i couldnt wait.. Now, any other day can be a V-day What would you do for Love? Do you realize that relationship is risky? In fact you almost risk everything you have for love... Keep on reading.. You'll find out what risk.

1. You risk your FEELING- what makes you think that you & your partner will eventually married? huhu... anything can happen. He/She might one day confesses he/she has no more feeling for you. You give all your heart, he/she might loose it.
2. You risk your TIME - you sacrifice all you time with him/her but in the end, not as what u expected.
   
3. You risk your MONEY - no need to explain this. You knew better.
   
4. You risk your PRIDE - who with who is a fav subject among people. But the hottest one would be who dumped who.. Am i right? Hide your face if this happen..
   
5. You risk your FAMILY - some people leave their family in order to be with the one. What happen if your partner also leave you one day? ermmm...
   
6. You risk your FAITH - yup, in the case of different faith. This is the ultimate risk. Is it worth it?
   

Well, i am totally aware of these risks. I examined each aspect of it. Guess the relationship that i have now quite risky too.. but i will carry on. Because i believe in my love. I'll risk in the name of LOVE. After all, risky = exciting. What about you?

*whisper* i'm moody today

I woke up late-around 11.30 am simply because i slept very late last night. Don't blame me. Blame this blog. Ahah! Guess this is my new little obsession (huhu.. as far as i concern, obsession doesn't last long)... i just created Sayau Forever last night!

Anyway, as i intro myself in 'about myself', i do have complicated emotions. Early morning today, i had a little communication with this SOMEONE that made me cry. I hate myself for crying but crying always been a part of me since my mum past away. Tears have been my best friend ever since. I had to admit this - sometimes i do love crying because it relieves me. Sorry, but my heart is so fragile- please don't hurt me...

I took a short nap just now- & i dreamed i met my man. Such a wonderful dream. But you know what? that SOMEONE that i mentioned b4 is HIM. Such a pain when you really love that someone and when that someone did something that you don't really like, you have to accept it because you love him - you call it sacrifice. And it is such a habit to always misunderstood one another when we are far from each other. Everything seems not okay. But when we are together, life is like heaven. Is that because of love? Or it is because of lust? can you tell me?

p/s: i really miss him

~ INTROduction~

Yeah..introduction to my blog.. ahah! this is surely not the first (& the last..) blog i've created. Guess this is the 3rd or 4th blog. Why i stopped blogging before? Huhahuha... mayb i was out of ideas, out of the blog feeling or mayb i was just tired of story telling? nah.. don't mind about it coz i think now i have a few ideas on what i want to blog. Believe me...

Okay, first thing first:

1) why Sayau Forever?
In Iban sayau means LOVE. So, together, sayau forever is LOVE FOREVER. Exactly what i feel now. I feel the love inside me. Not just sayau to THAT someone special but also sayau to other significant people in my life. I dedicated this blog to all of them.. I love myself (like what people says must love oneself b4 love other), love my family (my late mum, my dad, my brothers, my grandparents, my uncles, aunties, cousins), love my man, my friends and ohhh...should never forget this one..my GOD, my Saviour (Amen..).. Without LOVE, without SAYAU, this world will end..

2) Second thing... oppsss... my mind suddenly blank! really... there's this second thing i want to write in my this intro but seems i've lost it... dussshhhh... kill me.. i am such a forgetful person. Not yet old but forgetful. How can i become a good teacher (oppsss... i didnt intro myself yet)..

Suddenly remember - COnTEnts! yup.. in this blog i don't hope just to write about a single topic but i'll write everything and anything that i feel i want to share. C'mon guys & girls, i'll narract, u read & critic - i'm okay... really i be alright. Comments are all welcome.

3) third - who i want to read this blog?
ahahahaha... i dont think people will read my blog because what i write here might be nonsense... but if u accidentally stumble upon my blog, THANK YOU for YOUR ATTENTION.. :-) ahakss.. im so pleased if only you just could scan even without actually reading.. well, i'm not a good writer, but i you would like what you see, i'm honoured.. hehehehe.. i'm blushing here... TQ once again..

4) SuMmaRY
a few words to close this intro - Sayau forever - keep this in OUR mind. God bless... muuahhh..