Insecurity kills Me

Forgive me... i tend to write in my blog when i'm super happy or when i'm depressed.
So, now? What am i feeling?
I don't feel right.
Anyway, what i want to express now is my feeling of insecurity. I am among the people that never feel secure. Not physically but in other terms such as emotionally and financially. I may look very confident outside, very tough but actually i am weak inside. I have a mechanism that everytime i feel i may break down, i will tell myself that i am not weak. I'm a survivor. Yes, all this time, i am impressed by myself that i am able to survive through the difficulties of my life. My life looks like a normal life but i've been through so many obstacles.. and i survived. I've been through the pain of losing people that i love unexpectedly, the pain of not having a penny in my pocket and bank accounts, the pain of knowing i have to give what i had to others, the pain of seeing people that i love disapponint me, the pain of knowing the blur future but can't do anything to change and the most painful is the pain of waiting, waiting for the greatest moment, waiting when will my life change. But till now, yes, i successfully deceived people.
My source of strength is Christ.
'He keeps me functioning each and everyday. Without Him, I will be nothing. But, with Christ, He strength me.' Phil. 4:13

My little prayer....Dear Lord, be good to me. The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small...

p/s: i still feel the terror in me everytime i receive unexpected calls from my family members

UGLY by Bon Jovi

If you're ugly,
I'm ugly too
In your eyes the sky's a different blue
If you could see yourself like others do
You'd wish you were as beautiful as you
And I wish I was a camera sometimes
So, I could take your picture with my mind
Put it in a frame for you to see
How beautiful you really are to me

Ugly, Ugly
All of us just feel like that some daysAin't no rainbow in the sky
When you feel U.G.L.Y.
And that's ugly,
yeah, yeah, yeah

Ugly, Ugly
All of us just feel like that some days
Ain't no rainbow in the sky
When you feel U.G.L.Y.
And that's ugly, ugly
All of us just feel like that some days
Ain't no cure that you can buy
When you feel U.G.L.Y.
And that's ugly

So, if you're ugly,
I'm ugly too
If you're a nut, then I must be a screw
If you could see yourself the way I do
You'd wish you were as beautiful as you
I wish I was as beautiful as you

Teman

Setiap hari aku berfikir tentang makna hidup aku...
bagaimana aku telah berubah dari dulu sehingga sekarang...
banyak perkara yang berlaku dalam hidup aku yang tidak dapat aku kawal...
kadang-kadang aku berfikir, betul kah itu aku...
siapa yang harus aku salahkan?
aku memerlukan sistem sokongan...
dan kini aku ada seorang teman yang memang sangat-sangat aku sayangi kerana tanpa dirinya, aku rasa sudah lama aku mengalami emotional breakdown..
aku tidak kuat, namun aku tidak begitu lemah..
tapi tidak mustahil jika aku satu hari aku tidak kenal akan diri aku lagi...
teman, tolong jangan tinggalkan aku kerana jika kau pergi, aku hancur...
aku perlukan mu disisi ku selalu...
aku perlukan pelukan dari mu...
aku perlukan dirimu...

what life is to me..

I guess my life is mysterious.. so many things happened in the past that i just want to let go, but still those memories that i always keep hiding in my complicated mind appear in my dreams. I always dream of those things that i try to keep myself apart.. Seems like those things are significant to me. For example, why the hack should i dream about the doctors in RMC when they are not significantly related to me.. i even dream that they are wondering where am i and trying to chase me and question me why i left RMC.. hahaha... i never even speak personally with them.. maybe the meaning of the dream is i want to feel wanted in RMC..feel important and i feel good about myself when i was working there..
and i always dream of my mum.. in my dreams, she is always alive...

Demi Sebuah Perubahan Sebenar

Hahaha..cam best jak title nya..tp just mok madah, demi sik mok rasa sedih n depress agik, aku dgn rajinnya menukar template n memodify apa yg patut ngan harapan aku rasa 'baru'... aku mok jadi baru.. sedar sik sedar, rasanya tok la hasil pembacaan buku motivasi nak dipinjam aku ari ya...tp lom abis agik la aku baca..hehehe.. dolok2 aku sik caya kesan buku2 motivasi tok sbb bg aku motivasi tok datang ari dalaman diri empun. Mun sendiri sik mok berubah, gne2 pun sik kan berubah juak.. menar sik? tp aku tek kali dalaman aku ada juak berubah, pas ya ditambah ngn ayat2 power dlm buku motivasi ya, hasilnya aku menar2 mok berubah. Sik mok rasa sedih agik, sik mok nangis agi... (sbnrnya ari ya, dear ada merik msg madah 'iboh slalu nangis'... bla ada org madah cam ya ngn aku, cam automatik jak ikut kata org ya..menar.. mudah terpengaruh juak aku tok sebenarnya..kali sbb ya kata2 motivasi pun berkesan ngn aku...)

till then...

p/s: be positive my friends... if rasa tensen, jom aa g karaoke... hihihi...

preee time

i had too much of free time (really ah?!!!) until i don't know what to do...

















if only u know what i did..then you'll know how deadly bored i am...

aKu

aku,
aku masih di sini, begini
aku masih mengharap,
pada suatu yang aku masih ragu-ragu, masih tidak pasti
aku juga masih tertanya-tanya kenapa mengharap suatu yang tiada jaminan,
nanti aku kecewa, aku menangis
tapi biarlah begitu,
kerana biarlah aku menanti, mengelamun,
daripada terbangun daripada mimpi indah ku ini.